Hero

What is a hero?

A person who wears his or hers underwear over his or her pants? A man in an iron suit? A God from Asgard? What is a hero?

I am 25 and unhappy. Unhappy I don't have enough money to get married. Unhappy that I'm not doing what I've always wanted to do and unhappy that everybody else seems so happy. Its not because I'm jealous. Its because unlike everybody else, I've made some pretty bad life choices. So therefore, fuck me. I am here ranting like a disgruntled wife who has not seen her husband for 2 years. I am here ranting because I have no idea what to do. Do I quit? Do I continue? Do I further my studies? Is it too late for me? All those questions are jumbled up in a poisonous cocktail of fuckedupness in my head. I need someone to save me.

I need a hero.

Okay I dont need a hero. I do realize that all I need is me. Yeap, me to turn my life into what I've always wanted it to be. Its easier said than done.

When at work I'll be too busy to think about this thing. When at home I'll be too tired to think about anything other than sleep. During the weekends I spend time with my family, love and friends so I'll be too busy not giving a fuck.

On Saturday I'll be "Oh well, at least it's Saturday. Fuck all my problems" than on Monday I'll be "Shit...should've done some soul searching/brainstorming over the weekend". Its a vicious cycle of which there is no end.

And alas, the 5 minutes I've given myself to write this has ended and this entry has been completely pointless.

Hopes and dreams: From a law student to a practicing lawyer

I first wrote in my blog somewhere in 2009, roughly 4 years ago. I was 21. Full of life, full of hopes and had a boatload of dreams. I made a promise to myself that I'd be a millionaire by the time I reached 25. People were skeptical but I wasn't, oh no. 4 years ago, the thought of 4 years in the future seemed so far away.

I was only into my 2nd year of law school, had no girlfriend and no car. All I had was my guitar which I bought using the money I earned working as a cashier at Parkson Grand after SPM. 

As a 21 year old dweeb, I saw me working in a huge firm with good pay and a side business that was making hundreds of thousands per year. I saw me as, this is rather embarrassing, a 25 year old multimillionaire driving a Ferrari.

Well, 4 years passed since and I am now 25.

My life isn't actually hell. I work in a sizable law firm and I earn what most 1st year lawyers earn but......I am nothing what the 21 year old me thought I'd be when I reached 25. To make matters worse, I don't even know whether practicing is for me or not. I have become disillusioned thanks to the long working hours, high stress rate and in my opinion low wages that does not commensurate with the amount of hours spent working.

So in a nutshell 1 of my 2 dreams is slowly becoming a nightmare.

It looks like I wont enjoy practicing after all.

Now I'm left with one and that is to become rich which actually puts me in a catch 22 situation because If I were to keep on chasing dream #1......then there is very little hope of ever achieving dream #2. 

So now I am in between a rock and a hard place.

At 21 I envisioned a 25 year old me to be a young lawyer well on his way to becoming a success story, enjoying my work, life and loving every day of it. At 25, I saw the 21 year old me as naive, foolish and somewhat void of logic. 

At a young age of 25 I am beginning to feel like I'm losing the game of life.

Shit. 

Tired.

I am just tired. Physically and mentally.

Help.

The best way to work out for busy lifeless people like me : Where guys will literally Push On Through.

I work 11 to 13 hours on most days. As a result I do not have what some may call, a life. Yes you may say hey, after work go chill out have some drinks. Well, after a 13 hour day, its not like I still have any energy to actually function socially.

I used to be thin. I'm no athlete but I do go for a jog almost everyday, an hour a session. That was back when I was a student.

Ok,  to be honest I started gaining weight when I was still a student but only after I met Fiona. Simply because she, the thin lanky thing she is, likes to eat. But being thin, she only eats half of anything she orders. Me, being the person who pays most of the time (Not ungkit-ing sayang, I'm just saying xoxo) could not stand looking at wasted food so I finish off everything.

There you go, I have found a legitimate excuse for me getting fat. Blame the girlfriend.

However, I do know its an illegitimate reason. A red herring expedition. Logical fallacy. Its when I divert the attention from the real issue to another issue that actually makes sense.

I actually have only myself to blame. 

Here I am, just back from work, its 10.15pm Malaysian time. I am thinking about working out (we have a small gym at home, cross trainer + home gym) but I.am.too.tired. and plus I brought home some homework for me to do so I have to do that to. 

Everyday I look at my old clothes and tell myself I'm going to be thin again. All the Black Sabbath, The Who, Oasis T-shirts will be worn again once more. Skin tight black T's. I actually refrain from buying any new clothes simply because I am of the opinion that it would be a waste of money to do so, since I'll be thin again...someday. 

bullshit.

Wont stop trying though...or to be more accurate, I wont stop dreaming about trying though.

Just how in the hell does one keep fit when one comes home late and exhausted...in all honesty, I could only think of one way. Now kids, this is natural, so don't flip out.

I guess the only way to have any cardiovascular activity is to do the cardio activity married couples do most. Wink wink aaa wink.

Because no matter how tired you are, believe me, you will push on through. No pun intended. The amount of calories burned will depend on how long the activity is. Judging from my studies and from what my married friends tell me, this particular activity can last quite some time. Some say its even more enjoyable than jogging. 

So I guess, I need to get married real soon. For love and for health. haha.

Pointless entry

Well it has been about a billion years since I last posted an entry. There's good reason why too. I have been busy practicing as a lawyer. That's right. I am an Advocate & Solicitor of the High Court of Malaya.

I have a lot to rant about but I wont write them all here. What I want to really rant about is the fact that I am no longer a student (a fact that I extremely hate solely because I don't get to lepak more often) and about chasing DREAMS.

I only have 15 mins (am typing this during lunch break, and at 2pm I have to be in KL Court for a mention) to finish this entry so here goes.

After practicing as a lawyer for a few months now, I am beginning to question whether this is my true calling or not. It has its ups and downs as with all other jobs but the main question I keep on asking myself is whether my job is:

1. me being logical and just working to earn a living, void of passion (yes I do realize that word gets thrown about frequently by people who are describing their feeling for their job but a cliche is a cliche simply because its true);

2. whether I am actually passionate about law, and that the reason why I'm feeling hollow about it right now is because I'm not practicing in the area I have interest in (I am a civil lawyer, boring).

Right now I am crossroads. Either continue working like an ant, void of everything but earning a good stable living or say fuck it all quit and do whatever I feel like doing and live happily full of passion but with a risk of not having money which will also mean lambat lagi la nak kawen dengan Fiona :(.

This entry is pointless as it has no conclusion but what I get from writing this is a reminder in writing ( I have a habit of reading my old entries, just to remind me of whatever things I planned to do in the future that I wrote about in the past but totally forgot about) that it is very important enjoy what you do.

Pointless entry, but I did get to rant so I do feel a bit better.

-.-"