Mar 22, 2010

Why I won't shave my facial hair. Ever.

Here's why:

1. It is vital to maintain facial hair for that Johnny Depp look.
2. It is vital to somewhat look like Johnny Depp.
3. It is vital to have facial hair resembling those of Johnny Depp's.
4. Johnny Depp is the single most coolest guy on the face of planet earth.

I watched Johnny Depp's latest movie, Public Enemies a few days ago. I was dumbstruck by his coolness.

I will not shave my facial hair. I will walk like a drunken pirate. I will swap my hands for a pair of scissors. I will purchase a chocolate factory.

But before all that, I'd have to get me my first pair of leather jacket/pants and visit M.A.C for a boxful of eyeliners and mascara to truely look like Johnny Depp.

6 packs and toned biceps? Nah...Who needs all that when you got eyeliners and mascara.

Mar 15, 2010

Losing My Virginity: An experience that will never be forgotten.

The place was cold. It was late in the evening and I had to go home soon. I wanted to leave. However, I  told myself turning back and leaving was not an option. I walked over to the girl not far from me. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous but she wasn't dead ugly either. She's what you call a typical "girl next door".

I summoned all the courage that I had in me. I would've downed a few cans of beer for that extra bit of courage but I don't drink. I was nervous. My mouth was dry. After staring at each other for a few seconds, I could already feel the tension between us. Finally, I opened my mouth.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for a book"

"Yes sir, this is a book store. What's the title of the book you're looking for?"

"The author is Sir Richard Branson" I told her.

"Yes sir, and the title please?"


"Sir, the title please?"

"Losing my virginity"

She gave me a blank look. 

"I'll be right back sir"

She went away looking for the book. A few minutes later she came back and told me she had something else to do. She subsequently told me that one of her colleagues would help me find the book. I wanted to tell her it's OK I'll look for the book myself . I would not like anyone else to know that I was looking for a book titled "Losing my virginity".

As I opened my mouth to tell her it's OK I'll look for the book myself, she called out to her colleague, Allen. 

"Allen!" she called out in a rather loud voice, "Please help me to find a book for this customer" (she pointed her thumb at me). Allen was a few meters away from the wretched woman and I.

"Ok sure, what's the title of the book?"

"You bastard woman don't you f**king dare tell him the title of the book in front of everyone here!" Went a voice inside my head. Much to my dismay, the wretched witch bellowed:


You stupid woman you ruined my life. She repeated it a few times when flabbergasted Allen did not believe his ears.

Behind me was a long queue. Beside me was an even longer queue. In front of me was an old lady with her grandchild. Everyone there now knows I was looking for a book titled "Losing my virginity". Everyone there will now think that I am somewhat perverted.

Allen smiled. I told Allen the book's not about what he thinks it's about. It's about a self-made billionaire, not some lewd perverted journal of a complete stranger's first time sexual experience. He just nodded. Never once did his smile fade away. I bet he'll be telling the same story that I am telling you right now to his friends.

I'm so going to order that book via mail order. I didn't wait for smiling flabbergasted Allen to return with the book. It's hard to keep your cool when a whole bunch of people are staring at you while whispering to each other. It was a scene fit for a typical American teen movie.

To some ignorant few on that fateful evening, and maybe even Allen, I will forever be remembered as the dude who wanted to buy a book with instructions as to how to lose his virginity. 

Damn you wretched woman. And damn you Allen.

* The book was titled losing my virginity most probably as a tongue in cheek reference to Sir Richard Branson's trademark company, The Virgin Group. 

Mar 10, 2010

Syaitan Setor Tingkatan 4 Cekap

I woke up at 6.30am in the morning. As soon as I got up, I decided to go out for a morning jog.

As I jogged from my house all the way up to Bukit Setiawangsa, all of a sudden old memories came gushing back into my head. 

I had Explosions In The Sky playing on my Walkman. The precise song that was playing was "Your Hand In Mine", my favourite song by them. The melancholic tune of the song made me feel nostalgic and somewhat sad. As I jogged pass my old school, I could see a younger version of me running towards the school gates. I was very rarely early nor on time for school. I'd be at least 5 minutes late.

I could also see my friends greeting me in front of the staircase in between block C and D..or was it A and B? I can't remember. I could see visions of me laughing my head off. I could see visions of me being carefree and somewhat naive. I miss those days greatly.

I miss the days where my best friends were around me all day. I miss the days where I would spike my Bio teacher just for the fun of it. I miss the days where I would gossip all day long with my BM teacher. I miss the days where I would talk and joke around with my friends during EST while pretending to be doing some work. I miss the days where I learned history from my all knowing-history teacher.

I miss Tingkatan 5 Amanah. I miss sitting at the back of that class (during most history lessons I'd be standing up) and pretending to be listening to the teacher in front. I miss....just lepaking at the back of the class..especially Fridays where all of us would smack each other's arses with our sampins. 

One of my fondest memory was when our accounts teacher raided the store room at the back of my class and went literally berserk:


What subject: Accounting Principles
Location    : Tingkatan 4 Cekap/ Store room at the back.
WRONGDOING  : Ponteng class to lepak in store room to eat burger.
Teacher     : 1.Raided store room.
              2.Shouted "anak setan"
              3.Blindingly swung both arms around.
              4.Hitting every moving target at

lesson learned:

Only eat during recess.

You'd be asking why would getting hit by a teacher be one of my fondest memories. The answer is because it's one of the dumbest, most nakal-est things I ever did. It's one memory I could look back to and laugh at me for me being so....16 year old me. I am 22 years old this year. Being 16 seemed like just yesterday.

As I walked down Bukit Setiawangsa back to Taman Keramat Permai, I asked myself, what was high-school for me? I'm still trying to answer that question because there is no, and there never will be, any definitive answer. 

Whenever I think about high-school, I can only think of one thing. That one thing is how much I miss it.